I lost my father to cancer at the age of 16… that fundamentally changes you! The world becomes very uncertain without a stable male figure in your life, I can tell you that much. He was also my best friend and I suffered depression for years into adulthood, without admitting it!
Because men can’t be weak right?
So I made some immensely dumb decisions about my life thinking I knew what was best for me.
I based a lot of my decisions on emotions and ignorance. I cannot begin to tell you how destructive that can be. One which resulted in my tumultuous, toxic, choppy marriage that lasted 6 years (5 together), but felt like 30.
I even shaved my head completely because I couldn’t handle the day-to-day trials. It broke me and no one knew.
It’s like almost drowning out at sea and making it to shore, all by yourself. It changes your appreciation for land and air.
Then the divorce lasted another 4 years. It dragged out and kept me drained every year. I could have lost my son every step of the way, yet I kept fighting for him. Otherwise today I would not have him in my life, because a mentally unstable person decided to play the system and play victim.
Thankfully that is all the past and I’ve come out the other side a better person. I haven’t allowed it to totally consume me with anger and hate. I should be hating women after what I’ve been through, yet I continue to love them, treat them with respect, I want to empower them and strongly believe they are what makes the world go round.
I understand now more than ever how an unhappy woman can create chaos in a family.
I say this cautiously, but if I had to do it all over again, I amazingly would. I’m at a point in my life where I truly wanted to be and on a path I always desired. Not much people can say that.
The world no longer feels uncertain, and I’m now a father myself and would give my 100% to my son because I know more than most what the importance of having a father around feels like.
I’m with a really amazing person who I thought I’d never find again. My once clouded vision has become clearer and now more than ever I understand the value of support and what immense difference one person can make in your life.
I also time to time advise those who might be facing similar uncertainties and try to provide some wisdom to the less experienced. Some even say I have the mindset of a sixty-year old who has experienced a full life, in my thirties.
The experience has changed me forever, but I strongly believe it has been for the better. I have the right person and people around me, and I’ve carved it myself with the experiences I have.
No longer do I allow the universe to push me around like a stormy sea, instead I ride that wave like it’s my stallion!