I can understand someone who is afraid to share their life-story would be quick to jump to this conclusion. Some people try to pretend to be humble out of fear of being laughed at if someone knew their past or even their current thoughts. So they in turn frown upon others for exposing themselves. Yet covet them, much like some people publicly frown upon porn stars, yet consume the very same media and even wish they could be one themselves. I’m looking at you ‘religious’ people.
To answer the headline question. No.
So why am I doing it you may ask? It’s not such a simple answer.
I’ve never really had a journal because I grew up in a simple household where we shared rooms. I shared a room with my older brother, so having a journal, literally publicizing your inner thoughts and experiences. It was only a matter of time before someone found it.
I regret not having one because I would have loved to see what I was literally thinking at an early age and compare it to how I am now. My memory would tell me one thing, but I’m sure it’s not 100% accurate because I’m human, not a memory crunching machine. I’m sure past experiences are skewed in my brain somehow or the other.
I hope to one day, look back on these thoughts I’m typing out right now and laugh at myself for thinking such things.
Who knows where my life will take me. What if I turn out to be a nobody (my greatest fear) and all I really amount to are these thoughts on this blog.
I’ve ventured into so many things that don’t exist currently, and I honestly regret not having an account of what was happening, what should’ve happened and what actually happened. Rather than just a memory of what I thought it was.
I do think, however, some part of me is blogging for recognition. Much like YouTube vloggers do. A form of declaring your intention publicly to the universe, being honest with it, and hopefully the universe answers you in some way or the other.
I’m also doing it to parse my over-thinking, over-active, over-zealous brain.
Sometimes I meditate on ideas so much, it drives me nuts! I get exhausted, even overwhelmed at times, just by mere calculated thoughts in my mind. As funny as it sounds, putting it into writing, could help me understand my own thoughts. Sounds strange, but you have to try it to understand it.
So why not write it privately rather than do it publicly? The honest answer is fear of losing the content. I’ve lost data on my local computer many times, through technical glitches, and even my own error. I’ve deleted photos I never intended to, many times. So making this public, I trust it remains under a sort of lock and key, by automated backups, etc.
Still not convinced I’m not doing it for mere attention? I do have you here reading till the end, so I guess maybe it’s the by-product of me doing this. I’m OK with people misunderstanding me because we generally perceive the world/others the way we choose to see it.
Plus, it won’t be the first time someone misunderstood my intentions. To that, all I can say is hopefully you will one day, once you’ve elevated your level of perception.
I’m also writing it for the ones I love, the ones who might be inspired in some way and even to declare it to the onlookers, who are afraid to do it themselves. I believe the positive effects, far outweigh the negative aspects.
To that end, I hope it amounts to something one day, whether it be my own personal gain, or someone else’s.